yesterday was the last day FS stayed in our shared apartment. 3 years, to an end. this weekend: the last of being in the same city as K, the last of living in this city i love so much. last month, two years ago, the first days of grieving that of who i loved most.
the last is always bittersweet. at our age, it feels like the end of the world.
i think about the colours of the lake, the last several months i saw it: Old Holland cerulean blue, some green peeking out; two days later, a moody slate blue; later, the blue it’s always been. i’ve looked at it every time i go downtown, almost as a game.
i don’t remember the last time i got to speak to you face to face. i remember the last text i sent you. love stays just as impactful until the next, many people have told me.
this is the last of everything. i love this place, but with the people having left, i realise now that the people truly do make the place. i do not have space to feel sadness after the loss of those who i have loved here in this city.
i will always know this place, love this place, know these people, love these people. as time goes on, i may only know the past versions of these people, but it will be those versions that i love and that i cling to. i love you, don’t you see? didn’t you see? i will never forget you, and i hope you never do me, even if it has already happened.
smoke swirls, the sun sets, the sun rises, the birds chirp – but the way i feel will never change. i will always be grateful for the versions of you that i got to know here, grew with here, left here. you are the eternal lover that chains me here. me, in my melancholy mind, in my inability to let go. i will forever cling to you.
this house is not a home without you. this place is not a place that i love without you. what would i have done without you?
every bit of you has seeped into me. packing up my favourite mug, my favourite plate, my favourite candle, my favourite room – you are steeped into every part of me, of where i consider home. i would not be me without you. i love you. i love you. i love you.
this past weekend, i graduated from university. clearly, it is hitting me hard. it’s not necessarily an existential crisis – i know what i want to do and what i must to do achieve my goals after uni – but more so an inability to let go of what had become my present the last four years, and the people who have made it so. i’ve always been the sentimental type; i do not think this will ever change. i think this is a fundamental part of who i am. i’ve always been the first to come, the last to leave, and that has always been the most difficult for me. to my college roommate, who i have loved for the past four years and fused with for the past three in which we have lived together, i do not think i can separate my own self from you. to my best friend, who (fortunately) was able to move closer to me for the better of the past four years, i do not think i would be me without you. living without you in proximity will be my downfall. to the great love of my life, who i had the great honour of having for such a small fragment of this time; i will never forget. you, the time spent, the feeling of joy and safety by your side. to the friends i’ve made here, who i will never be able to not miss, who i will always think about. to the city i’ve truly grown up in, which i will always love. i love you all, equivocally, for the memories i have been lucky enough to make.
everything has always been sentimental for me. i have never been good at letting go. unfortunately, this is not how things are supposed to go. we are supposed to grow together, move away, grow apart, grow separately. perhaps my most egotistical being refuses the notion that those i consider dearest can grow without me; regardless, it must be done. i love you. i love you. i love you.
i have no words yet not enough for everything i have experienced here. this feeling is beyond wistful nostalgia. this is love i feel with every fiber, molecule, and cell within my body.
iris garden 